Michelle's LiveJournal

So I'm off school for the week, finally getting some sleep, but I have a lot to get done this week!

To-do list:

• college research and applications
• scholarship research
• put away laundry from the past few months
• clean room
• rewrite newspaper story BEFORE Monday
• come up with interview questions for Mrs. Svitak and administration
• topic sheets and beat sheets for newspaper
• Stream Team packet for environmental studies
• read to chapter 5 [?] in Grendel
• trig worksheet for calculus
• read pages 190-235 of Brave New World
• read at least half of A Tale of Two Cities and do reading journal
• Art history take-home test?
• discussion on movie we watched in Euro Friday on Monday?
• read chapter for European history
• cash checks
• go shopping for shirt for senior pictures before next Wednesday
  
• work boo :(
• find way to get off early October 20th
• get a new job :P

I'm tired of fighting with him.

I wish things were still the way they used to be.

I feel so low right now.

Just out of nowhere... so damn low.

I was actually pretty happy last night up until one little thing Jake said, and I got irrationally worked up over it too.  All he said was, "Nevermind."  Then bam, my mood fell.  All I wanted to do was sleep today.  I feel so tired...

I hate this.

Maybe I'd be better off single.

It seems all relationships bring to me right now are pain, regret, arguments, accusations, disappointment, fear, depression...
Is love really worth it?

He used to make me happy. 
I used to be able to feel that he loved me, but now the words feel questionable.
He used to go out of his way for me.
We didn't argue over every little thing.
He didn't make me cry, because I was upset.
What happened?

So I actually had a pretty good weekend.  Things at work were going well, because Kelli[store manager that sucks] closed both days.  It was great!  Drive thru times were the lowest I've seen in months [like 100 seconds, almost meeting 90 seconds or less!] and I think EVERYONE on crew got a break both days.  Typically, only the people that are 15 get breaks.  It was a nice change.  I'll be sad to have Kelli back next weekend.

Speaking of work, I think I need to go buy new work shoes.  Lately I've been coming home with really sore feet.  And I KNOW it's not from working too hard, because  I'm not giving McDonalds 100% effort.  I see no reason to bust my ass for the measly almost-minimum wage I'm making.  No, I'm not being lazy.  I'm just not doing my best.

I was exhausted yesterday.  I fell asleep in the car on the way home from work, then I went to bed at like 7 last night I think, and I slept allll night.  I did not wake up until 10:30 today!  And I'm still tired.  I guess this is what I get for only sleeping about 4 hours all weekend.  Crazy how we need sleep to function, huh?  I looked like a total zombie I think all weekend.  Pale with dark circles covering my eyes.  Ick!  I always feel like I look better when I get ample sleep.  Then again, who am I looking good for at McDonalds these days?  No need to impress anyone, 'cause I have Jake already. :)

I had some pretty weird dreams last night.  One I had like horribly hairy armpits and I kept trying to shave them, and ti wouldn't go away.  I dunno, it was stupid.  I'm terrified of having hairy armpits. lol  I think Jake was in the dream too, and he was grossed out by them.
I also had a dream about graduation practice.  Ack, just trying about graduation is making me horribly anxious!

I went shopping the other day.  I spent like a whole paycheck, but it's okay.  I got all kinds of new stuff, so I'm happy.  I love shopping!

I saw there was a new DS Web Browser for Nintendo DS at Target, and I was super excited until I saw "Only for DS Lite."  I was so mad.  Way to punish me for being cool and getting the Old School DS when it first came out.  Jerks.  I hope there is one for old DS too.  I want to see how it works.

Wow, now I'm just being random.  It's because I'm procrastinating.

I need to clean the house, but I don't want to...
I'm so lazy.
I also should start my summer homework.  August 14th is coming closer and closer every day.
Ah, well, it's still summer.  I can be lazy.

I currently have 4 soda cans, two bottles[one water and one Pepsi Max], and one cup next to my computer.  Caffeine addict?  I had to have a iced coffee and a Mountain Dew to wake up this morning.  Yesterday I had a cup of coffee, 2 Mellow Yellows at iHop, and a 32 ounce Dr. Pepper before work.  [this was in about 3-4 hours] I wonder what will happen if I try to give up soda and coffee for a couple days.  I bet I will go into withdrawl.  I really ought to be drinking more water... Caffeine is a terrible thing sometimes.  I can't remember if it was withdrawl or overdose, but one time it made me really shaky and stuff.  It was kinda scary.  I knew it was the caffeine though.  Sometimes I can even feel my heart rate speeding up.  The worst part is, I'm immune to it in small doses, so I have to have a lot [like yesterday] if I am using it as an energy source.  For instance, one cup of coffee is not enough!  I'm glad I can't swallow pills.  I might try taking those caffeine pills.

Well, I'm gonna go play some games I think.  I'm still a long ways away from my free X-Box 360. :(

He says soon as if he means it, but what it soon about July 10th?  There is no soon to it at all!  I guess I'm really just trying to adjust still.  I've never had to go two weeks without seeing Jake before... I have not seen him since Tuesday.  He does not have phone service or anything in Canada for the next seven days.  I can't remember even going a day without at least a text message to him!  I suppose I will manage though.  I guess I'm glad he's having a good time and spending time with his dad.  Doesn't stop me from missing him!  Gosh, I don't know how anyone can handle having a long distance relationship or a significant other in the the military or something.  The distance kills me...

Other than that... I'm been trying to win an X-box X-Box 360 off of http://club.live.com!  I have a little over 1,600 points, and I need 35,000.  Almost there!  Hah, I wish... I've been working at it for three days now, and I'm already bored.  This is a big task, and I hope I make it.  It would really stink for the offer to end, say, when I have about 30,000 points.

I'm also suddenly addicted to "Wizard Rock" once again.  If you don't know what that is, it's a bunch of bands than write songs about the Harry Potter books.  Amazing stuff!  Check out Harry and the Potters and The Parselmouths if you're interested.  Those our my current favorites.  Snape Vs. Snape is like the best thing I've heard in a while...
Yeah, I'm kinda a dork.

OotP 11 days! clips

DH 21 days! BE THERE!  I know I will!

I CAN"T WAIT!  YEAH!

Well, I guess I really do not have much to say.  I should get to bed soon, 'cause I have work at 7:00, but when has that ever stopped me from staying up late?

I always forget I have a LiveJournal.  Perhaps this is because I'm not sure anyone even read it in the first place.  However, I do enjoy reading my past posts, so I suppose that is reason enough to update.

But I just don't feel like it right now.

But when I do... I intend to post any random thing I want. :)

I should be upset... but I'm happy.
I should be crying... but I don't care.
I should be mad... but I don't even want to argue with him.
I should miss him... but I'm ignoring him.

His stuff... packed away.
His pictures... gone.
He never loved me.  He never cared.  He was just a Goddamn liar.
And I just don't care right now.
Because Jake is already better than David ever was. 
He's real.

I don't like Mrs. Salant at all.  God, I can't wait to get out of journalism.

So I was absent yesterday.  I had no idea what was going on in class.  So she calls on me, first, for the question, something about interviews... Confused as to whether or not it was what we were already told about interviews or if it was something they had learned the day before, I struggled with myself wondering what the answer was.  Of course, I thought about a few answers that I thought were correct, but I was so worried I'd say the wrong answer, I was scared to say any of them.

Well, it starts out that she calls my name, and she tells me to stand up.  A wave of nervousness goes through me, and I flat out say I'm not going to stand up, because being the center of attention makes me feel really uncomfortable.  And obviously, standing up would make me the center of attention.

So after that, everyone is staring at me anyway.  I guess cause I was being kind of "rebellious" who knows.  So I tell her I don't know the answer.  But this point, I'm pretty much freaking out and shaking.  Well it ends with her telling me to stay after class because she "has no problem with me being quiet, but she does have a problem with me not listening" and blah blah blah.  By then, I'm pretty pissed off and a little worried.  I hate it when people talk about what they don't understand!!  In fact, I always listen in class.  And moreso, if she asked me to WRITE out the answer, I'd've gotten it right.  I just feel so uncomfortable saying answers out loud like that.  I'm terrified of being wrong.

I feel bad for that Alex kid who sits in front of me... Like, whenever I get nervous in that class, I just start shaking, and it makes his desk shake too, cause I always put my feet on that basket thing for the books.

God, some days I just wish I could be normal.  I just want to be like everyone else... just for ONE fucking day.  I want to know what it is like... to feel comfortable around people.  I'm sick of this overwhelming, irrational fear.  I'm sick of feeling like everyone is staring at me.  Staring and judgeing me... negatively.  I hate the way I'm scared to speak my mind, scared to participate in class even when I know I'm right, scared of failing... It just doesn't make sense.  I want things to make sense in my life.  I'm sick of trying to avoid it all.  I want to be able to get up in front of people and have confidence... just once.  Am I really asking for much?

Well, that is about all I have to say about that.

In other news... Doyle got a new girlfriend.  I guess I'm happy for him.  Just a bit ticked off at how quickly he replaced me.  Oh well.  Now I can be off to better things I suppose.  I like someone, but I just don't know if he's looking for a girlfriend right now. 

Hm... Ms. Zipoy graded that government test... And I still have a freaking 100% in the class.  I mean... wtf.  Why didn't I stay in honors?

So, I overslept today and got to skip school.  Kinda cool I guess, but I really hate missing school.

Other than that, the only other thing that has happened is me and Doyle breaking up.

And of course, I have to jump into liking someone new now.  So we'll see how that goes.

My mom thinks I'm depressed, because I told her I was always tired, no matter how much I sleep, and she was like, "that's a symptom of depression" of something, Hmm.  Probably am, since it's suppose to be interelated with anxiety disorders too.  Who knows.  Man, when I get older, I want to work with stuff like that.  Personality disorders and so interesting.

As each day goes by, I wonder... Could this get any better?  He seems to be everything I've ever wanted, everything I've ever needed.  I'm such a hopeless romantic, so clingy... But so is he.  And that makes everything work out perfectly. 
Maybe we were destined to be together.  Maybe David was just meant to be the bait, the lure... to bring him closer to me.  Who knows.

So... My grandma passed away Friday, and that was kinda depressing.  No one I knew had died before, so now I just kinda feel... empty.  Like I'm missing something now.  Something I should have.  The funeral might be tomorrow, no one knows yet.  My dad is still making arrangments,  Tomorrow's suppose to be my first day of school, so I hope not.  Mike's suppose to leave for college too... But my dad's not taking him up there until after the funeral I think.

Well, if not, school tomorrow.  Unfortunately.  I still need to do my Gatsby essay.  It's not like I can't do it... It's just that I really, really don't want to.  I have to actually sit down, and think about it, but I don't want to do that.

So, I had this really cool dream last night where Doyle and I were battling Voldemort.  No one will get this unelss they have read Harry Potter though.

So yeah.

I miss Doyle.  He needs to get home!

All I can say right now is that a lot is going on.

A lot of drama.

So... Texas was fun, but I'm glad to be back.  Let's see... What did I do while I was there??

• Rode my first AIRPLANE and met a hot guy at the airport =)
• Caitlin cut my hair
  
• Went to Six Flags and saw David and Dani there.  Saw Mutemath and part of Switchfoot there too.  So now I kinda like this Mutemath band...
• Ate real Mexican food, yummy.
• Went to the Grapevine Mills mall and got a Charmmy Kitty purse... cutest purse ever, for sure.
• Played hours worth of Mario Party 2 and Mario Tennis with Caitlin, Amber, and Jordan
• Went to the park!!!
  
  and rode the teeter-totter thingy with Caitlin:
  
• Took wild pics
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Learned that in Texas... a doughnt and chicken wings is a balanced meal?
  
• Walked to the Fina gas station to buy glass Coke and Dr. Pepper... and see the hot guy that worked there. ^_^
• Got junk food at Target
• Went to the Six Flags again
• Stayed up late watching movies on Lifetime
• layed around
• Deciced Texas is just too damn hot to habitat...
  and enjoyed almost 2 weeks of no work!!

...then came back and picked up 2 fatty paychecks. =)

And saw my baby kitties again.

Now I'm looking into getting braces.  Gonna ask my mom about it... cause I could totally make monthly payments on them.  I figure...  at my current rate, I can get those paid off before I learn to drive.  Haha.

Fireworks at the arch is no fun.  Stinky people crowd around you and step on your feet.  I was not a happy girl.

I'd LJ cujt this for the pics... but I forget how to do that, sorry.   

Saddness. =(

More like a lot of them.

I guess I should have told her. Told her that I wasn't sure if I loved her or hated her, insted of acting like her best friend. But I'm happy when I'm with her. It's just that when I go home... It's hard to lie to my parents about her, sneak out of the house to go hang out with her, keep my mom out of McDonalds. It is really fucking hard.

It's hard to be faced with the questions all the time. Hard to be called a liar when I say I don't know where she lives. I really don't. Hard to keep all her secrets. And I kept them all.

It's confusing. I like my sister. Other times I just get so damn frustrated, because everything's about her, and I've got enough of my own problems right now. I can't handle my mom's too. I want her to fucking leave me alone. I can't stand it anymore.

FYI I don't backstab my friends. I'd have to have friends to do that anyway.

I'm listening to Can't Touch This. I remember when me, my brother, and my sister used to all dance to it. Back in the day. My brother was the funniest guy ever.

And Spice Girls...

They were the coolest back in like the late 1990s.

And the Spice Girls movie, omg, I loved that movie. A VHS.

I can't remember the last time I went to the store to buy or rent a VHS. It seems like so long ago.

Good times.

I'm downloading Spice Girl tracks off their Myspace now. Hah.

LiveJournal used to be blocked at school, and now it is not. Yay!

Though I don't have much motivation to update this thing, because only Missy and maybe Richie or Jake reads this.

So, I'm really, really tired. It sucks. I have to work tonight. I'm not sure who that sucks more for... Me or the other people there. lol Because I'm a crappy cleaner, and that's an important thing at night. Oh well.

Well, I'm doing better since the whole David thing I guess. I miss him a lot, but... I don't know. Maybe I just thnk I'm over him, because I'm still seeing him a lot.

I've flucked 3 straight history tests. lol Yet, I still have an 85% in the class. Cool.

I have nothing to say. My life is not as exciting as everyone elses.

On everything.

Though Madelyn would probably like me a lot more if I was.

So, I worked 4-close last night, and I learned something... I CANNOT CLEAN at all. Probably because I have no experience in cleaning. See, at my house, if I don't feel like doing the dishes, cleaning my room/kitchen/bathroom... Well, I just don't do it. Needless to say, my bedroom and bathroom are both dumps.

Obviously, I will probaly never have to close again, seeing that I suck at it. I think I perfer the morning shifts anyway.

So, apparently today was 4/20, and everyone smoked pot. oh, man, and I missed the festivities. Not. I enjoyed my six hour nap throughly. It was the senior skip day at school though, which was nice. I hate having like 5 bazillion people walking around my school. I barely make it to class, because I can never get through all the traffic. Apparently only the people on track and swimming showed up, because they had to to go to their meets.

I'm craving some McNuggets right now. Luckily I work on Saturday. Or is it lucky? Ahh, if only I could drive... I'd be at McDs now... Getting some McNuggets. I think I like the McDs food more now than I did a year ago... Ever since I started working there, I've been craving the Golden Arches all the time. Who knows. I think the food there really is addictive.

Well, I don't think I have any homework due tomorrow, so I guess I'm going to go to bed now. I just realized I typed all of this in finger typing. Wonder where my semester of keyboarding went to. I never type propery.